


Your precious heart, can't watch it break

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Drinking & Talking, Firehouse 118 Family (9-1-1), Gen, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Introspection, Loneliness, Protective Siblings, Protectiveness, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24145381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Buck fully intends to spend his night alone, reminding about Abby and the rescue and how he had cursed Red's final days of living by forcing his way into them, and he's made peace with that. His apartment no longer feels like home, so he seeks out the comfort of the bar, full of people and sound, to think about what had happened. He didn't mind. It was just one night. He could last one night without being a crybaby about it.But apparently the 118 has other plans, and though he's confused and surprised and close to tears, Buck can't say that he doesn't appreciate it.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew
Comments: 8
Kudos: 164
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	Your precious heart, can't watch it break

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea and I actually rushed through my last 911 fic so I could write this one before I forgot. I'm working on so many fics at the moment that I'm actually angry at myself, but I can't stop, and I feel constantly busy and guilty when I'm not writing because there's JUST SO MUCH.
> 
> But anyway, I know this fic is a little all over the place, but I'm actually really pleased with it. I've said it before, but I can only watch clips on the show on youtube because (now that I've found it a little) in AUS the TV shows air like 5 episodes behind and out of order?? So I'm not having a good time, there but I was DESPERATE to see some of this ep with Abby. So I started writing this fic before the episode because I didn't know when it would be on youtube, so it's a lot about Red at the beginning and his convo with Maddie, towards the end, I got to see some of 3x18 and included some thoughts about Abby in. So if it seems weirdly put, it probably is and shouldn't be there, but I just couldn't help myself. So this is written after 3x18 but is not a 3x18 tag if you know what I mean??
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this fic as much as I did. It was a fun write. I need to stop writing my 911/Lone Star fics in two days. I'm sick of em now haha, so if you've subscribed to me, get ready for some new fandom fics in a bit and a break from 911. I just wanted to make the tags even. Thanks for reading x

The pub was relatively empty on the Saturday evening that Buck decided to visit, and he took a seat at the bar without having to worry about meeting other people who he somehow found a connection with. He wasn’t sure he could deal with another Red.

When he asked for a beer, the bartender handed him a pint without question, and Buck almost didn’t take it, but then he remembered that he had taken a cab for the very reason of being too drunk to drive, and he wrapped his fingers around it, giving the bartender a nod. “We get a lot of fellas looking like you through here,” the server shrugged. “I try not to make a habit out of getting people drunk like that, but that one is on the house. You look like you could use a pick-me-up, and a free beer usually does the trick.”

Everything in Buck’s very being was telling him to refuse and toss some money on the table and thank the bartender for his kind gesture, but for some reason, Buck didn’t have the heart to be nice tonight, and he nodded as the bartender turned away to serve another customer. He was right- he could use a pick me up, and he came here to drink, so it was perfect, really. 

It had been a little while since Red had died, though somehow not long enough at the same time. Buck missed him, even though he hadn’t known him very well. They shared nothing but their love for the job, and somehow, Buck had dedicated hours of his time to make Red’s last days on earth worth living. And then, against all odds, he still managed to ruin it and make it all about himself.

That’s what Maddie had said, right? He’d needed reassurance, and she had said ‘ _maybe_ ’. Maybe Buck had ruined his life. Maybe Buck had made the whole ordeal all about him. Maybe he had been selfish and done the opposite of what he was trying to accomplish. Maybe he should have left him alone instead of forcing him to do a series of things that hurt him, like see his wife, who didn’t remember who he was. Maybe Buck just should have left him be and let him live his life without Buck interfering. Maybe he really was just the absolute worst.

Whenever he looked in the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw. It was no different than what he used to see, but now he knew the implications of the face staring back at him, the terror it could cause innocent people who didn’t deserve it, the trouble it could get him in, the lives it could ruin. He hated it now. Hated what it did to people. He used to think that his looks were his best attribute, but now he knew the truth. Who the hell was he? 

Sometimes, he saw Red, and he despited the implications his subconscious was trying to force onto him. 

His apartment was too empty as of late. It had always been quiet and empty and cold, but now it seemed almost suffocatingly so. As if the fates were trying to remind him of his place in the world. He dreaded going back there after each shift because he knew what would be waiting for him. No amount of sound or light or smell could make the place feel like home, even with music blaring and candles burning and the lights on throughout the night. Maybe that was why. It wasn’t a home, it was a house. There was nothing about it that made him feel like returning, nobody and nothing within it to make him feel like it was his. Maybe he could put some artwork up or something, but really, he didn’t think that would help at all. His problem wasn’t a physical thing like that. Well, it was, but there wasn’t any way artwork could fix it. 

Sometimes, he laid awake at night, staring unseeingly at the ceiling in the dark as he thought about Red, and how similar the two were. Maddie had said that he would never end up like Red because Red didn’t have anyone like Maddie in his life the way Buck did, but he wasn’t so sure of that. She left him twice already, and now that she was starting a life with Chimney, there was no rhyme or reason why she wouldn’t leave him a third time, forget about her promise, and move on the way everyone else had. The way everyone was supposed to. Except Buck was holding them back. He had to stop holding them back.

So what if everyone forgot him? Moved on and tossed him aside like dirty laundry. He didn’t mind, though. Well, outwardly he didn’t mind, but inside the very thought killed him and caused him more pain than being crushed by the firetruck ever could, even though that pain lingered in the form of a limp when he was tired or a twinge when he was overworked or a deep ache on a really bad day.

He had no reason to feel that way. If they left him, it would be his fault, not theirs. They would have gotten tired of him, of his selfishness and his foolishness and his stubbornness and his immaturity. He was exhausting, after all. No, if they left, they would have good reason to. He was a handful and impossible to enjoy the company of. The lawsuit probably gave them all a much-needed break from him for a while.

Lately, he had resisted asking them to do anything with him after work hours. They had their own lives, partners and wives and people to go home to. They didn’t need to be bothered by Buck, who had nobody to return to and could never understand the importance and responsibility of being loved and loving in return. He tried hard not to bring up any celebrations or after-work activities, both for his own sake and for theirs. He didn’t want to bother them, and he also wasn’t sure he could be shut down again. It was easier not to say anything than it was to hope and be let down. He wasn’t sure if he could cope with another disappointment, even if he deserved it.

And then, with Abby… well. Part of him was glad to see her, alive and well and happy. The other part of him couldn’t stop wondering why she had never come back for him. He had waited for her. He had assumed that she would wait for him, too. That after she had gone on her trip, she would come home, and they would continue their lives.  But now she was engaged, and she had kids to look after, and she made a life for herself far away from Buck, and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. If Abby had abandoned him, the only person Buck thought would always be by his side, then what else did he expect from the others?

To top it all off, she hadn’t even been sorry. She was sorry about getting engaged without telling Buck but… he didn’t care about that. He cared about the fact that she never came back, and _knew_ that she was never coming back from the moment she stepped foot on that plane, but still gave him hope that she would, still made him believe that maybe things could go back to how they were. He liked the person he was with her. And then, when he finally told her, told her how angry and upset he was about it, she still refused to apologize, as if she didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, and after he had bared his heart and soul to her, he wasn't sure how well he could take it. What was he supposed to do? Stop her and make her listen? Force her to understand? No, he had seen enough of that with his sister, and he never wanted to be like Doug, even in concept. 

Maybe Buck had been over-reacting and there really was nothing wrong with it. Maybe he had to pull that stick out of his ass and act like a grown-up for once. Maybe that’s why Abby had left. She was looking for a real man, someone to take care of her and love her and sacrifice everything for her. Someone that wasn’t Buck.

He took another sip of his beer. Nobody sat near him, as if sensing that he didn’t want any sort of company, and for that he was grateful. Even the bartender kept his distance, other than sending him questioning looks and checking how much beer was in his cup. He was glad- he wasn’t willing to meet another Red, another broken bird he thought he could fix, someone he thought he could save to make himself feel better. He didn’t want that.

Which is why when someone placed a heavy hand on his shoulder, Buck was a little irritated. Wasn’t it obvious that he didn’t want company? How hard was it to understand? The bar was almost empty other than a handful of other patrons. Why the hell did they want to sit beside _him_?

He was about to spin around and say as much when that hand squeezed his shoulder, but in a comforting sort of way, and Buck heard a very familiar voice say, “Hello handsome. What’s a nice looking guy like you doing all alone in a place like this?”

He never would have expected to see Athena standing there in a long coat and boots, a silver chain around her neck, a soft smile on her face, her hand squeezing around Buck’s shoulder. “A-Athena? What the hell are you doing here?”

Athena shrugged, but that twinkle in her eye never went away. “Oh, you know. Just having a night out on the town with my favourite men,” she said, as the bell above the door rang again and Bobby walked in, slowly shrugging off his coat. “Thought you might appreciate the company.”

As Bobby shook his hand, Buck was still reeling. “Uh, thanks, but I was actually planning on spending the night alone tonight.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen,” Bobby said as he and Athena took a seat at the bar. “Besides, we’re here now. Might as well make the most of it, huh?”

Buck was about to protest when the bell rang again and he spun to see Hen and Karen walking side by side, holding hands and searching for Buck in the small crowd until their eyes settled on him and they marched towards him with purpose. Hen ruffled his hair as Karen wrapped her arms around him from behind and swung him from side to side. “Hey, Buckaroo,”

He hardly had time to process what was happening when they joined Bobby and Athena on the seats and ordered themselves a drink. It must have been cold outside if they were all wearing coats, but he couldn’t really feel it. He probably should have brought a jacket, but he didn’t think about it. “Uh,” Buck said. “What’s happening here?”

“Nothing,” Bobby shrugged. “We’re just here having a drink. You don’t mind that, do you?”

“Uh, no, of course not, but you’ve gotta admit Bobby, this is all really weird,” Buck said as he gestured at them. “Like, sure. You and Hen I get, but Athena and Karen?”

“What?” Athena turned in her chair to him and put her hand on her hip, but the playful smile on her lips didn’t leave. “I’m not part of the family? It’s weird for me to come out with my husband and his coworkers for a beer?”

“No, not at all,” Buck floundered, and Athena laughed, turning back to the bar. “But like, you have no obligation to be here, you know that right?”

Bobby spun his glass on the wooden counter. “None of us are obligated to be here. We’re here because we want to be.”

Even the bartender was watching now, and seemed to smile at Buck’s plight. “Yeah, but… this is weird, right?” he directed his question to the bartender, who shrugged and turned away, back to cleaning glasses.

The bell rang again and Buck almost dreaded turning around, but when he did, he was greeted by the sight of Chimney and Maddie wiping their shoes on the mat, pulling off their warmer clothes at they were hit by the warmth of the bar. Maddie held a second jacket over her arm, and Buck recognized it as his. “Wait, you started without us?” Chim fake-pouted as he joined them. “I thought you weren’t going to order until we got here?”

“Yeah, but you’re always late,” Hen argued. “You need to start leaving the house earlier. Otherwise, this is going to keep happening.”

“I resent that. I’m very punctual,” Chim said, placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder as he passed. “Hey, Buck.”

“Hey Chim. This isn’t a coincidence anymore, is it?”

“Nope,”

As Chim moved to join Hen and Karen, passing Athena and Bobby as he went, Maddie wrapped her arms around Buck and rested her chin on his head. She hummed, and Buck felt it through his whole body. “You looked like you could use a hug,” she said. “I brought your jacket from our place. I knew you wouldn’t have brought one. It’s cold out.”

“Did you organize this?” Buck asked as he reached up and held her arms that were wrapped loosely around his neck. “Do I blame you for... whatever this has become?”

“I don’t know if you should _blame_ me.” Maddie objected. “I made your boring night a little bit better. But yeah, I put this together. Wasn’t hard, really. They were pretty much waiting for the phone call.”

“Maddie, you didn’t have to do this.”

“I  _ wanted  _ to. You’re my little brother,” she laughed. “Besides, I needed a night out anyway. Dispatch has been crazy lately.”

She made to pull away, but Buck tightened his hold as a terrifying thought struck him. “You didn’t tell them about our conversation the other week, did you?”

Even from behind him, Buck could feel her shrug. “No, but I didn’t have to. I think they already had their own plans on coming. My phone call was just the excuse they needed. Speaking of, is there something you want to tell me?”

The very idea of telling Maddie about Abby’s return, the way he felt when he saw her again and she told him she had a fiance and had moved on made him sick to his stomach. He wasn’t sure he could stand to see the look on her face. Besides, he had already cried to her about being alone, the last thing she needed to hear was the exact same thing again. “No,” he said, as he nodded towards where Chim sat with an empty seat beside him, but their drinks had just arrived, and only one of them was beer. “Do you? Chim just ordered you a glass of water. You’re not drinking?”

Frowning, Maddie followed Buck’s gaze and snorted. “No, I’m trying to detox. As I said, it’s been hectic recently. Just thought I’d go for something different,” she bent down to place a kiss on his hair. “I’m here, Buck. And I’m not going anywhere.”

She said it just loud enough for him to hear over the muffled conversation and low music, but that was enough for Buck, and he found himself closing his eyes and leaning back into her touch, her embrace, his full body weight resting against her chest, and she held him easily. He hadn’t known how much he needed to hear those words. “Thanks, Maddie."

She moved away and took a seat beside him as the door opened again, and Buck didn’t even have to look to know who it was, but he looked anyway, just because he wanted to see his face. Eddie didn't disappoint. “Hey guys, sorry I’m a little later than I promised. It was a killer trying to convince Chris that he couldn’t come. I haven’t seen him have a tantrum like that in years. I’ve left him with Carla, but I’m not looking forward to that when we get back.”

Athena laughed. “I don’t envy you when you get home. 8-year old tantrums have the same devastation as a 7.4 earthquake.”

“Tell me about it,” Karen rolled her eyes, and Buck didn’t miss the strange way Chim and Maddie looked at each other. 

Grinning, Eddie rushed in and gave Buck a hug so hard that Buck felt the air knocked out of his lungs and the chair rocked back on two legs. “Hey, buddy,” he laughed into Buck’s ear, and somehow, Buck held onto him tighter. “How’s it going?”

“Great, but like, what the hell are all you guys doing here?” Buck laughed, voice muffled from where it was pressed into Eddie’s shirt. 

“What, you didn’t think that we were going to let you drink alone, did you?” Eddie snorted as he sat on the chair beside Buck, somehow being the only person on his left side. “I’ve got some things Chris wanted to give you in the car. He made you a card and drew you a couple of pictures, but I left them in the car so I ruin them. He made me promise not to crinkle them, and I was sure it was going to rain when I left the house, so I'll get them to you later on.”

Any mention of Chris made his heart flutter. “That’s so sweet. Make sure you give him a big hug from me when you see him.”

“You’ll see him yourself. You’re coming over for dinner tomorrow,” Eddie elbowed Buck in the side. “Don’t give me that face. You try saying no to his pouty, begging face- I know you can’t.”

Buck didn’t know what to say, so he turned to the group and looked at them individually, with their open eyes and soft smiles and gentle expressions gazing at him with something he could only describe as love. “Why have you all done this? What are you doing here?”

“It was a rough job,” Bobby said like it was obvious. “Not just for you, but for all of us. We don’t get to sit down like this, just us, as a family. We don’t stop caring about each other just because we leave the firehouse.”

“But-”

Athena reached across the counter to rest her hand on his arm. “Buck, let us do this for you. You’ve always been there for us in our time of need. Let us be here for you.”

There were a million things that Buck wanted to say, but somehow, he didn’t say any of them. He was keenly aware of everyone looking at him, and he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. “Alright,” he said, clearing his throat when he disliked the way his voice caught, and Eddie rested a heavy, familiar hand on his shoulder. He raised his glass and said, “A toast, then. For our celebration.”

After a moment, Hen held up her own glass and said, “To us.”

Everyone else followed suit, lifting their glasses so fast that liquid sloshed out. “To us!”

Just when Buck thought it was all said and done and that his night could return to relative normality, Maddie leant over and whispered in his ear, “To  _ Buck _ .”

He thought she said it quietly, but Eddie heard it, and he raised his glass up higher and shouted with more might than was necessary, “To Buck!”

The 118 and company chorused the cheer so proudly that the conversations in the bar quieted just a little. “To Buck!”

Buck looked down at his cup to hide the blush that had risen to his cheeks, and as the 118 chanted his name and Eddie and Maddie rubbed his back and played with his hair and embraced him and shook him and held him close, he felt his heart get a little bit fuller, and suddenly he didn’t feel quite so lonely.

**Author's Note:**

> When it comes to these big group fics I'm constantly at war with the idea of introducing Eddie last/towards the end as a kind of exciting surprise/nail in the coffin and then bringing him in at the beginning and giving him more dialogue/fic time. You know what I mean???? It's a constant struggle. There's just something so ELATING at seeing Chris and Eddie arrive just when they're needed and when you think they're never coming, right?? Every time I've written them like that it makes me feel all giddy. But I also feel bad if Eddie, a big part of Buck's life, isn't in the fic much?? Idk. 
> 
> For anyone worried, May/Denny/Nia/Harry are spending the night with Michael, so they're safe and looked after. And if it's a little hard to understand, the seating arrangements, from Buck's left side (closest to the door) is Eddie, Buck, Maddie, Bobby, Athena, Hen, Karen, Chim.


End file.
